Listen to this poem is you feel like you have reached the 'End Of You'
Listen to End Of You
"Have you ever reached the end of you? Because I once reached the end of me too."
I want to start off by saying everything written in this poem is true. I attempted to take my own life in my early teenage years. Why? I didn't feel like I had a purpose; I didn't understand who I was. It was a real defining moment for me.
This year, I turn 25, which means it's been nearly 10 years since that encounter. I realised that actually, what we do hear about is the 900,000+ suicides a year that take place, but we don't really hear about the attempted suicides. There's a real shame that comes with the aftermath of attempting to 'un-alive' yourself.
Why do people attempt to take their life?
Multiple. For me, I know it was because I didn't (at the time) have any sense of purpose. I did not know who I was - I was uncertain of who I was becoming. I started off being a loving, happy-go-lucky, full of love kinda girl, until abuse, intense bullying, and not feeling good enough took me to an extremely dark place within myself.
I shared this poem at Joshua Domfeh's sold-out Ronnie Scotts show, and it was received extremely well. What was incredibly moving and emotional was the people coming up to me; they were not actually suicidal themselves, but their daughter or son is, or, they know someone that recently attempted to take their own life. I realised that this provided a real sense of hope for them because I was still alive and well to share my story.
How did you recover?
"And I can't explain it, but something changed. A comfort turned my tears into tides of tranquil peace as the room felt freer and lifted of grief. It's as if; angels flooded the room, and God was beside me, holding my hand. I was uncontrollably crying. His presence - was tangible as the room echoed with brightness, my shame left, and my smile climbed in."
As I mentioned, there's a tonne of shame once people realise what you tried to do. I felt that shame for at least a year after. I felt like I had reached the end of myself once again.
"Couldn't think of anything else, so I got on my knees, felt eternally damned and bankrupt of peace. My heart was both tombstone and shrine for my grief."
I was alive, but inside I was dead. My heart idolised shame, and I couldn't live like that anymore.
"(So) I said, 'God, if you're real; then you're going to have to show me."
I had heard about God, but I didn't know Him. Luckily I had God-parents that were extremely instrumental in my young years. I remember my God Father would always say to me, "Prayer Changes Things." I have remembered that at many points in my life. Despite not being a Christian back then, it stuck with me. I held onto it and cried out for help. I started to feel better and recover with a clearer mind.
"But it wasn't the end; it was a chance to discover what I was missing. The truth is, I found myself because I found Him, and each time the darkness seeps into my rooms curtain seems, I recall how I lost myself, but I remember how He found me. "
Sometimes, the end is not actually the end. When a caterpillar goes into a cocoon, it is not the end; it doesn't 'reinvent itself'; it becomes itself. It grows into its skin, and it matures. Everyone, especially a teenager, experiences a phase of becoming. It is a brutal battle to become who you're called to be, but once you get there, you're unstoppable.
The bad is used for the good.
I truly believe that I went through everything I went through, including trying to take my own life, for a reason. There have been numerous times when God has put me on the path of someone suicidal.
A few weeks ago, I met a homeless man in Wood Green; he said he didn't want to live anymore. We cried together, I hugged him, and I remember by the end of it, he felt a lot lighter than he was when we started the conversation. God uses everything for His good, His purpose, and His glory. This song reminds me a lot of him.
Because I know God works it all out for His good, I no longer feel shame about what happened ten years ago.
Who is this poem for?
This poem is for the inner child in me that felt abandoned and let down. It's for the man who has identity issues and is struggling with his self-image. It's for the teenagers being bullied for wearing glasses, or for being 'too skinny' or 'not curvy enough.' It is for the young boys and girls left in care systems, for the single father of four or the widowed mother of three who has felt like giving up. This poem is for the somebodies that feel like nobodies.
I know you feel low right now, but I encourage you now; your life is valuable. You are filled with purpose, and most of all, God designed you - you, my friend, are here for a reason. Please, speak to someone you know, call out to God, get counselling, go on a run, find a new hobby - but I am asking you not to give up on you.
When you feel like you have reached the 'End Of You', find the new beginning. There is one, I promise.